We keep living anyway.

Yesterday, actor Chadwick Boseman passed away from colon cancer. Every time we as a society lose a public figure, it sends shockwaves through our country and across social media. This loss has stuck with me in a way that others haven’t. Not because he was my favorite actor, although I do respect his work tremendously. But because it was cancer. In your face proof of what we already know. Cancer affects everyone. It doesn’t matter how rich or poor you are, where you’re from, your family life and background. Cancer finds you. And sometimes, all the expert doctors and chemo drugs just don’t work. I walked around all morning with these Hamilton lyrics stuck in my head. “Death doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints, it takes and it takes and it takes.” And it had me feeling helpless. 

Then I saw a tribute posted by President Obama. “Chadwick came to the White House to work with kids when he was playing Jackie Robinson. You could tell right away that he was blessed. To be young, gifted, and Black; to use that power to give them heroes to look up to; to do it all while in pain - what a use of his years.”

And with that last line, I remembered the rest of the lyric. “And we keep living anyway.” And it changed my perspective. Yes, a family, a community, a country are grieving the loss of a life gone much too soon. But he kept living anyway, in the face of pain and adversity. “What a use of his years.” So I’m reminded (and encouraged even) that even when we have death staring us in the face in the form of a cancer diagnosis turned battle of our lives, we can still keep living anyway and make great use of the time that we do have. Together.

Being Little Brother

I read a quote recently that said, “When someone has cancer, the whole family and everyone who loves them does, too.”

Man, is that true. Especially feeling it is Adeline’s little brother, Crawford. He is a high-energy, spunky eight year old with a REALLY big bucket that takes a lot of attention and love to fill. Unfortunately, it doesn’t get filled nearly as often as it should. And that’s on me. To add to that, he’s been stuck at home since March. No play-dates, no soccer, no swimming pools or parks. And there is so much in his little world that is beyond his control. I offered to let him write a guest post about what it’s like when your sister has cancer. He opted to let me interview him instead. I’m posting it here with his permission.

Me: Do you remember the night that Adeline had to go to the hospital the first time?

Crawford: Yes, I think so.

M: Do you remember what you were feeling?

C: Umm...nervous and scared  

M: Do you remember when Dad told you that Adeline has cancer?

C: Yeah.

M: Yeah? How did that go?

C: Not good. He said that Adeline has blood cancer.

M: How were you feeling inside?

C: “Oh no...”

M: What was it like when you were at home with Dad and I was at the hospital with Adeline?

C: Weird. Not the same. Like, it wasn’t the same without you guys.

M: And then what was it like when Adeline came home?

C: Much happier.

M: Much happier? Were you still worried about her?

C: A little bit. But not as much.

M: What’s it like to have a sister who has cancer? What’s it like being the little brother?

C: I don’t know.

M: If you had to explain it to one of your friends, what would you say?

C: Frustrating.

M: Yeah. Why is it frustrating?

C: I don’t know, because then the attention comes off of me. 

M: Yeah, I can see that.

C: And now we don’t share the attention.

M: Why is that, do you think?

C: Because Adeline has special treatment.

M: Why do you think she gets special treatment?

C: So she can stay healthy.

M: Yeah. Is there anything else that makes your life different because your sister has cancer?

C: We don’t get to play as much. Because she has blood cancer.

M: Is there anything good about it?

C: Not really. We’re in a situation that we’re forced to stay home.

M: Yeah. What do you wish you could be doing?

C: Probably playing with Chase and Reid.

M: Playing with your friends? Yeah. Do you sometimes try to be extra nice?

C: Yeah. 

M: You were really nice today. I love you buddy.

I know he’s struggling with so many things right now, but I am so incredibly proud that he can recognize and acknowledge his feelings (fear, sadness, jealousy). Our family and friends have done an amazing job of seeking out ways to make Crawford feel special, which he loves. It’s that huge bucket, though, that affects him greatly. It’s not getting filled with friend play time, or soccer (which he excels at), or the challenge of academics, or hugs from his teacher. 

Just last week, Crawford was approved by the oncologist to go back to soccer!! We have been INCREDIBLY cautious and safe as a family, and continue to be. We are grateful that Crawford’s sport is outdoors and doesn’t involve hands! And tomorrow is his first scrimmage. He moved up to Select Club soccer this season and got to get new uniforms. He requested that his number be changed to 35- his sister’s number.