Strength we choose, and strength that we find

On the evening of April 17th after I received the phone call from our pediatrician about Adeline's concerning bloodwork and probable diagnosis, I called Todd out onto the back porch to tell him the news. I literally could not speak. Every word stuck in my throat, like I was choking on it. It took minutes for me to string enough words together to make a coherent sentence. 

This picture was taken a few hours later. I am smiling with my girl, while waiting for them to confirm our worst fears.

Walking into the ER that night, I had a rock in the pit of my stomach and my legs were a little wobbly. But once we got settled in a room, it was like a wave of strength washed over me that I didn't even know I had. 

We have heard many times how strong, brave, and courageous we are. There was a moment in the hospital that Adeline and I had the conversation that we didn't want to have to be brave. We wished we didn't have to be strong or have courage. Sometimes we choose it, like when Adeline grits her teeth and holds perfectly still while her port is accessed. Or when we have to give our girl a shot in the thigh and we take a deep breath and just do it. 

But so many times I feel like we find strength when we need it most. Sometimes I even feel like it finds us. And there are certainly days when I fall apart at bedtime. Days when I spend most of my time laying on the couch, in and out of naps. But when it comes down to it, we move forward, putting one foot in front of the other like that night in the ER. Not without fear, but carrying it with us and finding strength along the way. 

Morgan Harper Nichols